Sometimes things get in my head and get me thinking and wondering. A lot has to do with my walk with Christ and feeling like I'm failing so miserably as a servant. Poor Steve has to listen to my ramblings and try to figure out what I'm saying when I can't even express it properly or to my own understanding. I was telling him last night how sad I felt about feeling like I take for granted my relationship with Jesus. I pray and talk to God several times during the day but I don't do the deep soul searching, scouring scripture looking for peace, knowledge and understanding. I told him when I was having all of my miscarriages after Isabella was born I was so close to God. I felt his presence all around and sought him out constantly. Now, our family is complete, we have our health and a great life and I'm taking it all for granted (my walk with the Lord not all of our blessings). I KNOW we are blessed beyond what we deserve and last night I got to thinking I better snap to it and change my attitude.
Ugh - I just spent 30 minutes typing and trying to make sense of these mindless ramblings I have going on in my head. But, after I had it all typed I knew it was so confusing and would make me look like a nut job. My latest questions and wonderings going on within me - does God remove obstacles we face or does God just give us peace and comfort while we experience them? Is everything that happens (good and bad) God's "will". ie: babies being born prematurely and dying, babies and children getting cancer and being taken from their family too soon. That's God's will? I'm getting more confused as I type. LOL
I remember feeling VERY strongly when I was suffering miscarriages that I was being disciplined by God. I couldn't find one person who would agree with me when I would mention it - but we ARE His children, He is our father - he wants us to listen to HIM, he wants us to follow HIM, he wants us to obey HIM, love Him, respect Him, honor Him. (Don't we want this from our own children? And if they don't follow what do we do? Discipline in a way or until they understand). And I can tell you - from my deepest sorrow and loneliness I felt, from the bitterness, anger, abandonment and betrayal I felt by God - I DID learn to love him follow him, respect him, honor him, give him Glory, praise him, witness for Him. Isn't that the point of discipline? I don't know.....Now, I do NOT question my salvation. I know and believe 100% I am saved and justified all because of the sacrifice of the cross. Have I confused you all?
Ok, to finish I will share a funny Ava event. This morning I had finished taking a shower and was getting ready. Ava comes in to the bathroom with an arm full of Cinderella dolls and a little playground and hands me one and says "You play with me?" I told her I couldn't right then but I would after we got back from the gym. She walked off and said "Thanks a lot"!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the best sarcastic voice a 2 year 8 month old could muster. LOL
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