Well, I think the funk has lifted and I can finally function. That or the meds kicked in. Wish that comment was a funny one but I had to call my Dr. and I just said "help me". lol I was going crazy those first few days.
Friends have been fabulous - offering help and such. I asked Steve last night if I was dying. haha because everyone has been so great.
But, I've finally stopped being so mad at God, so that's progress I'm guessing. :)
Tonight we have game night with our small group from church. Lots of great pictures to follow!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Trying
Ok, I suck at blogging because everyone who reads my blog is now on facebook and I post my life on facebook. But, I'm writing tonight to express my feelings at the moment. This I guess is for me to look back on and hope things feel differently when the meds kick in. lol
So, I was leaving a Doctor appt on Friday and I get a call from my dermatologist. I knew it was bad news because if it was good news it would be the nurse or a letter in the mail. I'm no dummy. She starts off by stating the one under my arm (this was the one I was concerned with because I know melanoma spreads through the lymph nodes and I know there are lymph nodes under the arm) is totally benign. Ok....now, go on. The one on the foot though....one side has atypical nevis (which is what most of my suspicious moles come back as) and then goes on a long story about several pathologists have looked at it and confirmed that that side has melanoma. Then she goes on to say I have the best kind of melanoma to have - Yippee Skippee I think. :( Hey - you have the best type of skin cancer/melanoma to have - what great news!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She then follows it up by saying the scheduling department would call me Monday or Tuesday to schedule surgery. Um, hello - I'm a very Type A and I can't wait Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then Tuesday to find out when its going to happen.
So, all Friday I'm in shock - Steve took me shopping and I got a couple of super cute tops. We rented some movies but um, Inglorious Bastards and subtitles and the brutality of it it sent me upstairs to watch The Office DVD reruns. I stayed in shock and felt nothing Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Well, I guess I felt something - lazyness. I wanted to crawl under the covers and just waste the day away. I'm sure I was a real pleasure to be around....
I stayed away from google until Tuesday - by the end of my search - I was convinced it had grown into my bone on my foot. See - type A crazy.
My surgery isn't scheduled until February 24 - apparently my surgeon only does surgeries on Wednesday. I wanted to say - hey, schedule me with a surgeon on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday. But, I really have to pray that God has led this surgeon to work on me. I need to turn to him but I'm turning away because honestly I'm mad. I'm kinda more than mad - I'm pissed. I don't want these genes passed on to my kids. I don't want to have to go every 3 months for visits to see if I have questionable moles.
I have two of the sweetest friends I met at church - Merran and Carli. We fight constantly over who is each others BFF but I won the status last night. I guess getting cancer trumps good qualities. lmbo They came over (as a surprise) and got in touch with Steve and found out all of my favorite things and brought them...Coke Zero, Dorito's, reeces cups, twix bars, twizzlers and snickers. Um - can you say sugar high. We talked - just girl talk for 4 hours. It was the best. I love them to pieces. We get together every Thursday and I love it.
But, onto today after I slept until 9:40 (Steve got Bella ready for school and Ava played with My Little Ponies right next to me). I woke up today and realized - I have cancer. Yes, its skin cancer - the wimpy kind of cancer - but I have CANCER. It's really messed with my mind today. I'm being the worst mother, worst wife because I'm just consumed in this massive pity party for myself.
Psychologically - I really KNOW I will be fine. But, my type A mind wonders and thinks this cancer on my foot is growing by the minute why can't they understand this and take it out now....oh, yeah - I have the good kind of cancer.
I know I need to turn to God and seek him - but honestly - I'm mad at him. Why our family, why me? My uncle has stage 4 lung cancer, and prostate cancer - isn't that enough - now, there is poor me. I hate being the victim. I'm so opposed to being a victim but I don't have the fight in me yet - where are you fight? I need you.
Deep post huh? I don't know where it is coming from - just the words are coming from my fingers.
I guess I've expressed where I am - pissed and depressed. And it sucks! It sucks big time. I want to snap out of it and go back to being little miss perfect. I like her better than broken down, leaning and requiring help from other people. I'm more use to Miss Perfect.
So, I was leaving a Doctor appt on Friday and I get a call from my dermatologist. I knew it was bad news because if it was good news it would be the nurse or a letter in the mail. I'm no dummy. She starts off by stating the one under my arm (this was the one I was concerned with because I know melanoma spreads through the lymph nodes and I know there are lymph nodes under the arm) is totally benign. Ok....now, go on. The one on the foot though....one side has atypical nevis (which is what most of my suspicious moles come back as) and then goes on a long story about several pathologists have looked at it and confirmed that that side has melanoma. Then she goes on to say I have the best kind of melanoma to have - Yippee Skippee I think. :( Hey - you have the best type of skin cancer/melanoma to have - what great news!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She then follows it up by saying the scheduling department would call me Monday or Tuesday to schedule surgery. Um, hello - I'm a very Type A and I can't wait Saturday, Sunday, Monday and then Tuesday to find out when its going to happen.
So, all Friday I'm in shock - Steve took me shopping and I got a couple of super cute tops. We rented some movies but um, Inglorious Bastards and subtitles and the brutality of it it sent me upstairs to watch The Office DVD reruns. I stayed in shock and felt nothing Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Well, I guess I felt something - lazyness. I wanted to crawl under the covers and just waste the day away. I'm sure I was a real pleasure to be around....
I stayed away from google until Tuesday - by the end of my search - I was convinced it had grown into my bone on my foot. See - type A crazy.
My surgery isn't scheduled until February 24 - apparently my surgeon only does surgeries on Wednesday. I wanted to say - hey, schedule me with a surgeon on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday. But, I really have to pray that God has led this surgeon to work on me. I need to turn to him but I'm turning away because honestly I'm mad. I'm kinda more than mad - I'm pissed. I don't want these genes passed on to my kids. I don't want to have to go every 3 months for visits to see if I have questionable moles.
I have two of the sweetest friends I met at church - Merran and Carli. We fight constantly over who is each others BFF but I won the status last night. I guess getting cancer trumps good qualities. lmbo They came over (as a surprise) and got in touch with Steve and found out all of my favorite things and brought them...Coke Zero, Dorito's, reeces cups, twix bars, twizzlers and snickers. Um - can you say sugar high. We talked - just girl talk for 4 hours. It was the best. I love them to pieces. We get together every Thursday and I love it.
But, onto today after I slept until 9:40 (Steve got Bella ready for school and Ava played with My Little Ponies right next to me). I woke up today and realized - I have cancer. Yes, its skin cancer - the wimpy kind of cancer - but I have CANCER. It's really messed with my mind today. I'm being the worst mother, worst wife because I'm just consumed in this massive pity party for myself.
Psychologically - I really KNOW I will be fine. But, my type A mind wonders and thinks this cancer on my foot is growing by the minute why can't they understand this and take it out now....oh, yeah - I have the good kind of cancer.
I know I need to turn to God and seek him - but honestly - I'm mad at him. Why our family, why me? My uncle has stage 4 lung cancer, and prostate cancer - isn't that enough - now, there is poor me. I hate being the victim. I'm so opposed to being a victim but I don't have the fight in me yet - where are you fight? I need you.
Deep post huh? I don't know where it is coming from - just the words are coming from my fingers.
I guess I've expressed where I am - pissed and depressed. And it sucks! It sucks big time. I want to snap out of it and go back to being little miss perfect. I like her better than broken down, leaning and requiring help from other people. I'm more use to Miss Perfect.
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