Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Open Book

Anyone who knows me knows I am an open book. I don't hide or censor my feelings or thoughts (even though there are times I should) and I pretty much lay it all out there about whats going on with me.

I saw a Psychiatric Nurse Practioner about 2 1/2 weeks ago and when I say my life has done an 180 - I really mean it. There are many reasons for why I went, many reasons for why I waited so long to go.

Growing up, I never struggled with depression. Never really struggled with anxiety - yeah, I would get nervous when I had a test in school but nothing life debilatating. I had both girls and never experienced post partum depression. Anxiety kicked up a notch after being a mom but that was to be expected, especially with my type A personality.

During my pregnancy with Ava I had severe back pain. After I delivered her it only got worse. I spent a good year working with Dr's trying anything and everything - trigger point pain injections, steriod epidurals, accupunture, pain patches, pain meds, exercise, traction, tens unit - the list goes on and on. During this time my pain management doctor told me I had "Little Miss Perfect Syndrome" and I should possibly consider going on some medicine to help me cope. It took me about 6 months before I was willing to give it a try.

I was depressed dealing with the back issues for over 3 years but I wasn't really what I considered depressed - I was more "frustrated". My anxiety level dealing with 2 small kids 24/7 thrown on top of my Little Miss Perfect Syndrome sent my anxiety into a tailspin.

Moved to Indianapolis and Dr's still kept treating my symptoms as me being depressed. Now, I was getting depressed after hearing them tell me I was depressed. I would see the drug commercials with the check off boxes to see if you were depressed and I would only answer yes to about a 1/10th of them. But - hey, they are the Dr's - they say I'm depressed - I must be depressed. No one was addressing my anxiety.

A few months ago - in an Oprah kinda light bulb moment - I realized I wasn't really living. I was barely surviving. I was getting up each morning doing just what I had to do to "survive". I actually dreaded going to bed at night because I knew I had to wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I found no joy in anything I did and I was overwhelmed so easily. I felt so sorry for Steve and my girls that they had to live with someone like this. I know I couldn't have been a fun person. I remember driving home from the library one night and told Steve I think I should go and see a Psychiatrist because I was getting tired of our family Dr. just throwing new meds that some rep was probably giving him a trip to win if he prescribed x amount of prescriptions. I had a med for depression, a med for anxiety, a med to help me sleep - the list could go on and on - and guess what - my life still sucked!

I have shed many tears with dear girlfriends discussing my struggle. I have the absolute perfect life. I have a faithful, loyal husband. I have 2 beautiful, smart, funny healthy girls. I live in a gorgeous house, I drive a great car, I am able to be a stay at home mom - forever. Heck, I don't even have to cook most nights. But - I still hated my life. I knew I needed help.

So, I humbled myself and called a "stress center" and made an appointment with a Licensed Psychiatric Nurse Practioner with lots of initials behind her name. lol She spent 2 1/2 hours discussing different scenarios with me and seeing how I responded, she asked me countless questions and she LISTENED. She was so frustrated with my family Dr. for not picking up on my signs and following what she felt was the typical "oh she's a young mom and is depressed" scenario. After talking with her she told me that my problem was my anxiety and it was ruling and controlling my life. I was controlling and handling it with excessive - obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Plus, the anxiety was so overwhelming to me I was almost paralyzed. I couldn't do hardly anything around the house without it totally stressing me out. Now, no one really enjoys cleaning toilets and dusting - but the thought that I needed and had to do it, again, sent my mind into overdrive and would keep me up for hours upon hours.

11 years ago I was brutally attacked outside my apartment complex in Raleigh. After 2 1/2 hours with this new NP she made it clear this is where it all started. It all made sense - even Steve couldn't believe we missed it. Since the attack happened I have a horrible time in crowds. I break out in cold sweats, get head aches, get dizzy - and quite frankly even a little bitchy. Any plans during the week or anything that throws a kink into my schedule of "no schedule" gets me worked up for days. She switched a lot of the meds I was taking (had me to discontinue them) - and prescribed a new med specifically for anxiety. The last 7 days - once the meds have had time to really start working - I feel like a completely different person. Steve notices it and probably appreciates it the most. Poor guy - what he had to suffer through. As he was walking out the door to the gym tonight I told him - for the first time in a long time I could actually say I felt happy.

So, bottom line in my open book post - if you are struggling - humble yourself to find the right medical professional that will listen to you and address what you are going through.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thankful

I shouldn't have jinxed myself. A few posts back I was gloating about Isabella being thankful for such sweet, non-material things. I guess that Thankful list was just a warm up for the long essay she had to turn in that came home today. I will quote her "I am most thankful for...."

  • Jesus, God, (ok giving major props that these are the first two on her list), my two cats and candy. My mom (I'm behind candy and the cats now???), Dad, Ava and my friends. I am thankful for my turtle and fish. And acorns. (hmmm - acorns - really?) I love banana pie and blueberry bubble gum. My family and video games and Texas. (this must make her Dad majorly proud). I love dogs. And nachos. (again, another proud Dad moment). I am glad to have the sun too. I love doughnuts and smores. And Sponge Bob (Mother of the year is coming my way - I can feel it in my bones). I like Halloween. I love animals. I am thankful for fruit roll up. I am happy for bumble bees (she must have smoked some crack before this because she is deathly afraid of bees). And hot air balloons. And my birthday. I love my teacher.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Nerd Alert!! Nerd Alert!!

Most parents fight constantly with their children to do their homework. Not us. Isabella is the type that does her homework on the bus during the 20 minute ride home. Thank goodness she is beautiful and popular or else this kid could be majorly isolated and made fun of! LOL

Sunday, November 8, 2009

So Much Fun!!!

Steve and I had so much fun at the Colts game today. Great seats - for free!!! And we hooked up with Dan and Kris at halftime. And - the Colts won!!! Yeah!!!

Steve, me, Dan and Kris at halftime.

My BFF Kris and I.

Steve and I - me forcing him once again to take a picture with me.


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Week in Review

It was a great week! Steve was on vacation all week and while we didn't really do anything major it was great to have him hanging here at the house. It was also a great treat for me to be able to run errands and go to the gym without Ava in tow.

Yesterday I took the girls down to my moms for the weekend. I dropped them off, ate lunch and hopped back in the car and headed home. A vendor of Steve's gave him tickets to the Colts game on Sunday - so the girls spend the weekend with Grammy and Pa and Steve and I get lots of dates. Mom and Terry are going to bring them home on Sunday.

Last night we went out and grabbed a pizza and beer then did a little shopping. I have a slight obsession with Christmas ornaments. I just can't stop buying them. A few years ago we ditched all the ball type ornaments and have a "family" christmas tree. Steve loves (I think) my memory as we pull out the ornaments each year. I can remember who gave it to us, when or why they gave it to us, where we were when we bought it, what year we bought it and so on. Each ornament on the tree has a personal meaning to us and I just love it!!

Also, each year when we get together when my moms side of the family we do an ornament exchange. The idea is to buy an ornament that represents you or that we can be reminded of the person each year when we hang it. I love having those memories each year and an ornament from some of the most important people in my life! Plus - as a family we all buy an ornament that kinda represents us this year. I collect tea cups and saucers as well as porcelin tea pots. This year I found a tea cup and saucer ornament so I got that, I got Isabella a piano since she started piano this year, Steves is a cowboy santa with a guitar and Ava's is a frog - because she is all about frogs!! I also got Isabella a turtle one to wrap and open on Christmas because she got her turtle this year. We also buy ornaments that are personalized with their names - my mom started this tradition. And one final tradition we do is buy a picture frame ornament with the year and put our family picture in it. Its fun to see how we've changed each year as a family.

Isabella brouht home a "I am Thankful" project the other day. She had to write what she was thankful for and draw a picture. She wrote " I am thankful for my Mom (yeah, I was first!!! lol), Dad, sister, my fish, my cats and turlte. And God." The picture is of all the the above - although I literally spit my coffee out when I looked at the picture closer because she drew really big boobs on my person. lol Then she drew clouds and an angel and God in the sky. Gosh, I love this kid to pieces!!! Stuff like this just warms my heart and makes me think I'm not that sucky of a parent. She gets what is important to her and didn't draw superficial things. When we were talking about the picture she said she felt bad that she wrote God last because he was the who "started it all and made us all and he should have been listed first".

She is really reading her bible and wanted to grasp and believe. I know some churches and people really push for kids to get baptized young but I think it is so important for her to make the decision on her own with full and complete understanding of the sacrifice Christ made for us. She's really close.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Halloween 2009

A little late but here are some pictures from Halloween!

Steve and I have a big weeekend - so I'll be posting pictures Sunday night or Monday for sure!