Tylenol is my new friend

Well, I took my last pain pill this morning - its shocking how much it hurts without one in my system. I haven't been off the couch much the past week and have only been out of my pajama's once when I went to church. I shower each night and then put clean pajamas on and spend the day in bed or on the couch. It gets old after a while truthfully.

Once I received the call from the doctor that it was melanoma - I allowed satan to consume and occupy my mind. I couldn't pray, didn't want to pray actually. I just felt comfortable with being Debbie Downer and not doing anything. I went about 3 days without eating, my sleep cycle is still messed up. I had been having to get up during the night to take a pain pill because of the throbbing. So, I'd be up for an hour or two waiting for it to kick in.

I have only been getting up and doing things around the house for about 15-20 minutes at a time - once in the morning and then again in the evening. Its amazing how much my foot will swell by doing this. I keep my foot elevated constantly but eventually I'm going to have to walk on it without it swelling.

I'm dying and itching to go to the gym and at least work abs and upper body. Its killing me to eat and not go to the gym and know being on the stairmaster will be burning off the meal I jusst ate and also the meal I would be eating next. Healing comes first though - right?

That's the latest. Tomorrow is one week post op. I can't say its any better honestly but I guess I didn't know what to expect though.

Almost 8

In 6 days my first born will be 8 years old. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. Isabella is such a sweet little girl with such a gentle spirit. Don't get me wrong - she can pull out the spunk when she needs and call her sister some pretty nasty names.

We are so proud of the little girl she is. She is super smart, so talented musically - she picks it up quickly and *seems* to enjoy it. She's a tad lazy (my fault) so its not like she jumps at every chance to practice. lol

She said the only thing she wants is to go to Build a Bear and get an animal and an outfit. I'm fine with that, although she will play with it probably just the first day. lol Her birthday is on Saturday but we are going to celebrate on Sunday. We are going to the indoor water park at the Holiday Inn by the Pyramids. http://www.caribbeancovewaterpark.com/index.php?pageid=gallery We went when she was 4 and she loved it. Now that Ava is older it is going to be much more fun! Except, I will still have stitches so I'll be watching from the sidelines and taking pictures.

I've been trying to not take pain pills because it makes me so foggy and I forget things but I wake up during the middle of the night because of the pain. Plus, by the end of the night/day my foot is so swollen from just being up walking around doing basic things. I hate asking for help - I'm pretty stubborn and just feel like a burden having people help me. Oh, well -you do what you have to do!

I'll post pictures after the big swim fest. Church was great today - Steve elbowed me - well, I was sitting by Joel - so he elbowed Joel and told Joel to elbow me because of what Rob our preacher was saying. It was nice to go into church and not hate God or be super upset with God. Definetly makes church more enjoyable. I'm a work in progress that is for sure!

Finally Over!

The surgery is finally over! Yeah. The pain has been worse than anticipated but so has the incision - almost 5 inches! The actual mole was about the size of an eraser head but the surgeon chose to go aggressively due to family history of melanoma as well as closeness to veins/blood supply and spreading. I'm fine with that!

I really stressed so much in the weeks leading up to the surgery but it really allowed some learning on my part. I learned how awesome of a group of friends I have. My friends stepped up to the plate big time - Merran, Carli, Kris were amazing in offering assistance with taking care of me and the kids. I will remember them and will be forever greatful for their kindness. My bible study ladies - at the end of bible study Wednesday on the day of the surgery - they each prayed for me. Talk about humbling. In the midst of the group were 3 cancer survivors as well as a friend who lost her husband to cancer a couple years ago. I left that room feeling loved and blessed.

I woke up pretty early on the day of the surgery - 5:30 ish and just felt the anxiety rising. I posted on facebook asking for prayers for peace and clear pathology. Within minutes - prayer warriers immediately began praying. Its hard to talk about because I've been shunning God for such a long time lately and have just let the devil consume my mind - but asking for the prayers for peace and knowing the people responding were actually praying - corny to non-believers - but literally immediately peace was felt.

I got anxious waiting for the surgeon and during the initial description of the process but this guy is smart and like I said in a few post pasts - I know God led this surgeon to me. Too much to explain at the moment as I need to be laying down with my foot propped - but it was a basic, good, swift kick in the pants that Gods timing is perfect. Enough said!

More later - off to relax and ice. Lots of movies have been watched the last two days. Its kinda nice being lazy - well, kinda. lol

Surgery Day

Nothing like wearing flip flops in 17 degree weather for 10 days.....

See - finding the positive in everything! lol

What the heck happened?

I've went to hell in a hand basket overnight. I had been fine but apparently with the surgery a week a way I have had severe anxiety attacks. They started over the weekend (mildly) but Monday and Tuesday I ate nothing - had a latte each day. Steve said I *would* eat today if he had to force feed me. The taste of the food sucked but I still did eat a bit. I also have slept about 4 hours the past 2 nights. I slept for 4 hours straight today. Wonder how long it takes to catch up on sleep.

Finally, called my Dr. after I literally felt non-functioning last night and she upped my meds big time until my pathology comes back. I need to pray but I can't - I feel so alone and lost but yet surrounded by great friends. Wierd feeling.